On Internalized Oppression

This is a bit more personal and less theory-heavy than I usually post, the latter because I still myself haven't come across good theory, or come up with it myself, to really adequately get to all the myriad ways patriarchy oppresses, restricts, and constructs people.

Some of this is inspired by a post here, at "Les said, the better". And yes, as noted there, everyone gets the messages about boys and girls, what appropriate behavior is for each gender, what the options are, and there's both externally how you're perceived growing up and how you internally identify that impact what your subconscious does with those messages. And yes, sexism is actually harsher for masculine females, and the treatment of femme males is horrible. And it's kind of obvious that trans people are oppressed their entire lives by the system - through either how they are perceived throughout life, how their internal identity affects how they process those messages, or both. And certainly there is also internalized transphobia to deal with, and internalized homophobia as well. And lack of visibility and positive role models growing up factors heavily into that.

But I think it goes further and deeper than just childhood socialization. For me, it often rises up to the level of conscious thought - stuff such as "I'm not going to fit into even a reasonable employer's gender expectations, it's going to be psychologically harmful for me to try, why even bother?", "How will I deal with doing a job that requires putting on a public face to a majority straight public? Will they think I can deal with it?" being the most obvious examples, but I can see it in every time I lower my expectations, don't try for something, or have to put out way more emotional energy than I should to deal with something.

Feminism gives a tool set for dealing with that as a woman - it's not one hundred percent effective, you have to keep working on it, and you have to deal with the outside world - but the message of working to dismantle sexist oppression, "woman" not equaling "less than", that there are many ways to be a woman, help a lot of women in a lot of ways.

The problem I have personally, and I'm not sure how true this is for other genderqueer/identified as trans moreso than anything else/not identifying as a man or a woman people, is that any time I try to pick up one of the tools in that set, it really doesn't fit my hand. The knowledge that I am not a woman, means that when I have to present myself to someone, I feel like my gender is being even more harshly judged, that they see something more going on than just very masculine woman (the inevitable compromise, for me, in binary situations). Because I've already compromised myself to get to that point - in a mainstream employment situation, I may well have let them call me a name not my own, had to indicate the usage of the wrong forms of address and put down the wrong gender (because either the forms *won't* let me put down the correct information, or, it's going to seriously compromise my chances), so I'm already uncomfortable. That may not be visible to them, but it's an additional worry on my mind.

All of that, in a way, sounds like just so much whining, but it's a very real source of mental trauma for a portion of the trans/genderqueer population. It feels like there is a double bind - by having a path where "passing" and "blending in" aren't as big of a part, you don't get hurt as much when you're read wrong - you inevitably get used to it - but you are constantly visible, and are constantly faced with the compromise between staying true to oneself and being able to function fully in the world. It's not better or worse, just different. And of course knowing what you are getting read as is still a concern - when you *have* to enter a gender segregated space, or are in a situation where someone realizing they've "mis"gendered you could have negative consequences or be flat out dangerous.

Obviously, the public's sexism, homophobia, and transphobia doesn't make neat little distinctions. Whenever they see someone "doing gender wrong", they're going to bash them as queer, whether they are LGB, trans and binary-ID'd and not passing, non-binary ID'd, or just not gendernormative enough to escape scrutiny. And even when it's not enough to provoke outright, visible discrimination, it's the little bit of unconscious bias that you never know actually occurred. Just like many times a woman is left wondering if she was passed over for a job because she's a woman, queer people wondering if they got passed over because they didn't pass as straight, genderqueer people get to add to the list of possible reasons failure to perform a gender not their own well enough.

So there are the inevitable compromises one must make to deal with the world. The constant conscious and subconscious cues people give off that you're "just not right". The other issue is a lack of role models. Feminism has helped women break new ground and succeed in fields they were previously excluded from, but there are far fewer trans and genderqueer people out there, and with those that identify as men or women, we often see ones that adhere well to those identities, or have their image twisted that way. One literally has no hope of being addressed as Mx. _____ by a major employer, or being referred to with ze and hir in a mainstream job setting. And we should not just congregate to those niche places where we can be fully accepted - we should not limit ourselves that way - and we can't just give up on the world, because while it's full of all sorts of oppression, you can't make it better by withdrawing from it.

The internal oppression is in knowing the deck is stacked, and giving in little by little to push less, to expect less, to try for less, and to value oneself less. Consciousness raising helps, mutual support with other trans/genderqueer people and allies helps, keeping trying helps, but as long as the system is there on the outside, it's going to be in our heads, too.